This really isn't funny, except for the fact that it is...

"Paramedics called to the store found VanLester unconscious on top of a DVD player, surrounded by shoppers seemingly oblivious to her, said Mark O'Keefe, a spokesman for EVAC Ambulance."

I've always thought I've wanted to have a child. The desire was fairly strong, but compared to what it's been most recently, it was nothing. It's actually a full-on biological craving now, hardly hindered by rational thoughts that keep me popping my birth control pills. I guess my clock is ticking, which is a little premature to say because I'm only 26. Not only would having a child be really stupid for me now, but I'm not even sure medically I can. Does that make a difference to the "make a baby" hormones? Oh no. They flood my brain, rendering me into a primal wishful-breeding-thinking state at every diaper ad on TV, every rack of infant clothing at the store, and especially every time I see a child in public. And in Lawrence, that's quite a bit. I swear all people in Lawrence do is drink lattes and have babies. They're everywhere. Well, maybe not everywhere, it just seems that way. See what these hormones will do to you?

Song of the day: "Eat for Two" - 10,000 Maniacs.

Today's problem: I actually need to go out and shop. For like Kleenex and conditioner and daily run of the mill stuff. Dare I brave Target? No way. I'll just sit at home and hope the Household Goods Fairy drops by.

Yesterday was a great day for the right wing. Dubya dropped by Iraq to visit our brave men and women in uniform, doing so with an arrogance that can only come from knowing he didn't have to stay. Then there was the Dallas Cowboys halftime show, where Toby Keith and the Salvation Army proved that it doesn't have to be 1930's Germany to whip the country into a foaming-at-the-mouth patriotic Orwellian state.

"They could be made to accept the most flagrant violations of reality, because they never fully grasped the enormity of what was demanded of them, and were not sufficiently interested in public events to notice what was happening." - George Orwell, 1984.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

I live in a perfectly nice part of Lawrence. It's a newer area, in the northwest part of town. My neighbors are all college students, families, and five other Family Teaching Model Homes (what we do). But about a month ago, I found out there was a meth lab down the street. How did I find this out? Well, I was sitting in the living room on the clients side of the duplex and saw a guy running like a bat out of hell, followed by two policeman with revolvers drawn. I went outside and saw seven police cars, and about ten people all running around chasing each other. This went on for an hour or so. I got me really nervous, because this was happening around 3:30 pm, which is about time all the CLO clients get home from work (about 20 live on this street). It's really not a good idea to have developmentally disabled people around criminals, police car sirens, and guns.

This all happened again yesterday, only this time it started at the Ramada Inn (about a mile away), and of course, ended up on our street (the irony in this situation is our street is a cul-de-sac). This time I noticed because the chase was going on through the backyard. I watched the local news last night, and evidently the police never apprehended the suspect. He's still at large. I'll let you draw your own conclusions about our fine public safety department. I realize that for some of my readers, this is normal for your neighborhoods, but this offends my lily white sense of suburban security.

Song of the day: "In the Ghetto" - Elvis Presley.

Everyone's favorite non-Average Joe, Mac Tonnies, has been unwittingly thrust into popular culture. I'd watch the show to see if his clip gets aired, but I have no concept of when it's on or on what channel.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. It takes me a long time to actually fall asleep, and then when I finally do, it seems I wake up every half hour or so. I keep a painfully regular sleeping schedule, and I depend on being well rested to handle my job, and this has really disrupted things for me. When I do get a few hours to squeeze in a nap, I'm plagued with thoughts of other things I could be doing. I spend most of my days in a weird fog - losing track of time, staring off into space for (it seems) minutes on end, crying at the drop of a hat over things like...oh, misplacing my keys or being unable to get knots out of shoelaces. And while I would think this would hinder my ability to function, it's not. I whip through stuff at work like I'm on speed - not only doing the regular routine, but spending additional time finding extra stuff to do to. I've lost patience with politeness at management meetings, and lately have no issue telling consultants and administrators where they can stick their "helpful advice". I'm afraid to drive - thinking I'll blank out and run a stop sign. Those close to me are predicting a nervous breakdown by Christmas. I counter that with the fact that my job doesn't afford me the luxury of the middle class flu.

Man, the holidays can be a real drag.

Song of the day: "Sunday" - MK Ultra ("...please understand being down don't give me no pleasure...")

Why not just call the Turkey "Liberty" and then slaughter it? It's more fitting after all...


WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Stars the turkey may have pushed his luck by gobbling throughout a Rose Garden ceremony on Monday but President Bush (news - web sites) just the same gave him a presidential pardon from being served for Thanksgiving dinner.

In a contest to name the national Thanksgiving turkey, conducted on the White House Web site, Stars, and the alternate national bird, Stripes, won out over Pumpkin and Cranberry. "It was a neck-to-neck race," said Bush.

Other names that gained votes were Hope and Glory, Harvest and Bounty, Plymouth and Mayflower, and Lewis and Clark.

"The rule book states that an alternate turkey is chosen in case the national Thanksgiving turkey cannot fulfill his role in this ceremony. It's kind of like being the vice president," Bush said.

In the Rose Garden, Stars punctuated nearly every sentence of the president's with a comment of his own as dozens of schoolchildren giggled, prompting Bush to remark: "Sounds like Stars wants to give the speech."

It was the 56th consecutive year the pardoning ceremony was held in the Rose Garden. The bird, supplied by the National Turkey Federation, was picked from among a group of 40 birds hatched on July 10 in a turkey barn in the Carthage, Missouri area.

Rather than being eaten on Thursday, like millions of other turkeys, Stars will live out the rest of its days at Frying Pan Park in nearby Herndon, Virginia.

Turning serious, Bush thanked U.S. forces serving in Iraq (news - web sites) and elsewhere around the world.

"We're thinking of them and their families. We think of the military families that have suffered loss," he said.

****

Do I also have to mention that he's making a mockery of death penalty pardons? What an asshole.

Song of the day: "Stick the Fucking Flag Up Your Ass" - Propaghandi

Kindly check out Jason's post today on Howard "Pussy" Dean. Thank you.

So here's the choice I have tonight: I can go to The Granada and see The Shins and The Rapture, or I can go to The Bottleneck to Fetish Night. Despite what you may think about me, it's not really a choice. I heard about the last fetish party there - evidently Master Whoever, who's the leading fetish guy in town (not really aware that one could take a title like that), was doing BLOODPLAY with some little slip of a girl and she passed out! Not only does he sound like a big dork (and not in a Northwest way, either), but he obviously doesn't know what he's doing!!! Now I like my lovin' with a little kink, but when you get into extremities that involve human waste, needles, knives, animals. etc., I've got to draw the line. And even if I were a voyeur, I can't imagine watching a club full of people who's sole existence is stuff like this, would even be that exciting. What do you really do at this kind of thing? Stand around and talk about it? "Oh, you're into lumberjacks? Me, I'm into electric shock and airplane hangers..." Lame. Very lame. I mean, have you ever known anyone cool who was into this kind of stuff? Me either. So, yes, I'll be at The Granada tonight, doing what I do best - being an indie snob, which I guess is a kind of fetish in itself.

Song of the day: "The Crablouse" - The Lords of Acid (because I don't find pubic lice erotic either)

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"

I know we all bond over this quote. Here are a few songs that I really shouldn't listen to anymore, because I associate them with some of the worst points of my life. (I still listen to them. Emotional catharsis can be so satisfying sometimes.)

* "Ghost" - Indigo Girls

* "My Old Flame" - John Vanderslice

* "State of Love and Trust" - Pearl Jam

* "Texarkana" - REM

* "Out of this World" - The Cure

* "How Soon is Now" - The Smiths

* "Here in My Head" - Tori Amos (well, anything by her to be more specific)

* "Time Bomb" - Dismemberment Plan

* "Why" - Annie Lennox

* "The Killing Moom" - Echo and the Bunnymen

* "Mama Said Knock You Out" - LL Cool J (not really, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention)

It's almost Friday. Thank god for that. I can't take many more weeks like this at work. I say that every week, though, and somehow manage to rise to the occasion. There are a lot of good things about my job - I have no immediate management breathing down my neck, I don't have to dress up, I basically just get to hang out and shoot the shit with four pretty cool guys, but it's also one of those jobs where you're never really "off". Even on the weekends, when I'm promised time off, I'm only a page away. I have nothing but respect for my guys, but being that they are developmentally disabled, some of their personality traits can get really old really fast. One guy can't grasp the concept of commercial breaks on tv, and starts being quite uncouth when there's a break from "Friends" (he's a maniac for that show). Another has a fascination with flipping his shoes, and if I get accidentally hit one more time in the face with a shoe, I might start a rule that he can wear only socks. Then there's one who's not only a non-stop talking machine, but a compulsive liar to boot, and that gets really old. There comes a point when I'm tempted to give him a reality check, however disrespectful that would be. Three out of four of my guys grew up in institutions, and trying to deal with the "survival" behaviors they picked up there is really hard. Food stealing and some um...rather distasteful personal hygiene behaviors are par for the course. I would never blame them for this stuff -- it's not their fault they were treated worse than abused animals for most of their life -- but it's aggravating and heart breaking all the same. Jason and I work our fingers to the bone trying to give these guys the most normalized home life we can, but it's a damn challenge sometimes. Only one of our guys has family that is involved with them, so we're it as far as love, affection and care for these people. It sounds selfish, but the pressure is immense, and it's so much more than just a job. There's a lot of dedication warranted, and while most of the time I'm happy to do it, it would be nice for us to have a life outside of work. Of course, if we had competent staff, and administration that was actually realistic about what can be done with this population, maybe things would be different, but that's an entirely different post.

On the other hand, one of my guys (who's my absolute favorite, even though you're not supposed to have favorites), made pudding for dessert the other day virtually on his own (if you knew what this guy was like, you'd see why it's such a big deal). Lucky for me, he did it while I was being observed by our Behavior Consultant. Gold star for me! And another is actually consistently walking over to the sink after dinner to have help having his hands washed (the idea that this hasn't been taught to him before is kind of frightening). It's things like that that keep me going. Maybe all the hard work is paying off. I'm so proud of them! They're very cool people. Everyone should come over and meet them sometime.

Song of the day: "Bleed American" - Jimmy Eat World (oh, stop laughing - you know you sing along too)

I'm listening to Pavement freely and willingly right now. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Damn, "Stereo" is just so catchy though.

Don't tell anyone.

"Was Stallone ever goth? I forget..."

Oh yes. I have already asked Santa for this one. 71 tracks! That's a shitload of Mad Bob!

Song of the day: "Battle of Who Could Care Less" - Ben Folds Five ("...I found your old ID and you're all dressed up like The Cure...").

As I am writing this, Douglas County is under a tornado watch. What kind of silliness is that? It's the middle of November, for christ's sake!

Song of the day: "Strange" - Tori Amos ("And I wonder when will I learn?").

You know, I've often wondered if my wardrobe was complete. I recently purchased new winter boots, thinking maybe that's what was leaving me unfulfilled. Now I know all I've been missing is a shirt with Mac Tonnies on it! Purchase these for everyone on your holiday list!

Incidentally, have you checked out Jason's post on Tribulation Christmas? Check out the preview then answer me this: Why do people assume Jesus will fly everywhere? Doesn't that seem an abuse of power?

For the sake of discussion....

So I was thinking...what's really up with guys and their attachment to porn? I can understand a guy utilizing the great world of crack whores exposing their naughty bits for cash when this person is say....SINGLE...and everything...but why when you're involved? You know, a couple watching a movie together every once in a while is one thing, but when one person is using net porn for the sake of masturbation, and is doing this roughly 20% (probably a conservative estimate) of the times they jack off...hmmm. Not sure how I feel about that. What does it say about your satisfaction with the sexual proclivity of your partner if you have to resort to images on a computer screen to get off? And, again for the sake of discussion, is it supposed to make the other person feel better when it is explained that a picture of them is next to the computer when this goes on, and that they're not far from that person's mind? Saying that a person is "not far" is not the same as "being there" - there's still some distance involved. And honestly, do people really feel comfortable being inserted into a fantasy that involves fat guys with mullets and sluts with bad boob jobs getting it on? And then there's this argument: "But you bought (insert title of risque indie movie here...maybe "Secretary" or something) because it turns you on...". Not the same. Art is art and other people fucking is porn. One is presumably not using the film as a substitute to good old fashioned knocking of the boots. Saying that this practice has nothing to do with the other person is bullshit. Actively pursuing other avenues of arousal while involved with someone else is questionable at best. If porn's ok...why stop there? Why not go to peep shows or get hookers? "It has nothing to do with how I feel about you...". Hm.

To sum up: If you're single, and at the moment porn is your only avenue of self satisfaction, then do whatever gets you through the night. However, if you're involved in more than a casual relationship, and the person you're involved with clearly isn't into porn, then for god's sake, knock it off. Or at least lie about it.

DISCLAIMER: This is not in reference to Jason Sheets, who thinks porn is rather distasteful. Simply an overheard conversation.

Dan Ayala sent me this link, promising that it was better than the Swamp Donkey of Maryville, or American Pride in Lee's Summit (I'll try to find the disk with pictures of both of these and post them later). It's a close second, I have to agree. I think it should be noted that the guy who painted this rock is named "Bubba".

Song of the day: "Iscarabaid" - Sunny Day Real Estate.

I'm Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme!

Which Simon and Garfunkel album are you?



"Go to the grocery store, buy some new friends..."

Some Recent Observations

* What's up with those Excedrin commercials? They're usually in black and white, with some seriously white collar guy talking all matter-of-factly about headaches and stress, his tone not unlike my father sounded when I missed curfew in high school. I don't like being lectured, especially about headache medicine.

* The Rapture and The Shins at The Granada on the 22! Yeehaw kiddies!

* I keep trying to get fired up over the next presidential election, but I can't. Have I been lulled into apathy?

* According to an Oprah episode I saw the other day, Strippercize is the new workout craze. Or something. Oh, spare me. No one really wants to see "average" women, who've probably never had an orgasm once in their life, attempting to writhe on a pole. Go ahead and get in touch with your sexuality, but not on national TV.

* Have you noticed how nosey Thom Yorke is on the new Radiohead album? Just because he's in one of the greatest bands to come out of the islands in forever doesn't mean he needs to know if I'm happy or not. (Stole this observation from McJason)

* I was dying to see "Love Actually". It sucked. I was sad.

* No matter how poorly you think you're doing at your job, there's always someone else doing worse than you.

* I picked up the Weird Al video collection this weekend. That's some funny stuff. I highly recommend it if you have the means.

* The KU/Nebraska game was this weekend in Lawrence. Small riots ensued. Tires were slashed. I know I just "don't get" sports at all, but I fail to see why anything would warrant that kind of behavior, excluding things like mass poverty and political oppression. You know, a friend from Milwaukee told me that happened there when a showing of "Barber Shop" sold out and people couldn't get in. I can kind of understand that. It was a good movie.

* Riot Grrl Lovin' Jews are the worst kind of people.

Song of the day: "Underground" - Ben Folds Five.

I suppose I should make a few comments about the partial birth abortion ban. While I personally find second semester abortions repugnant, I do realize they unfortunately have an appropriate time and place (mother/child's health, rape and incest, etc.). I know that sometimes it's difficult for a woman to make arrangements in time for a first semester abortion - although if abortions were more accessible to rural communities and/or more affordable, you wouldn't have that problem would you? But my real issue is the terminology of the bill - it's very vague, and can be interpreted to include all abortion procedures, and if one wanted to be a real jackass of a judge, restricting access to birth control. You think Bush knows this? Oh hell yes. What irritates me more, is that, albeit relying on stereotypes, I'm sure the men pushing this bill through have gotten some woman "in trouble" before and have indirectly or directly relied on an abortion to avoid any scandal. The hypocrisy is sickening. But let's be fair - in the majority of cases, abortion in any trimester is used as a form of birth control, not in cases of rape or incest, and if women would get their shit together and use birth control to begin with, this issue wouldn't be so dramatic. There's really no excuse for women in this country to not protect themselves - it's accessible, relatively cheap, and certainly more practical than being irresponsible and praying for the crimson tide every month. Popping a pill every day is a lot less work than bringing an unwanted child into the world, or living with the guilt of - let's be honest - murder - on your soul for the rest of your life. I'm all for sexual liberation, but with freedom comes responsibility. And we all know, that when it comes down to the finality of it all, women can't really rely on men to be responsible or dependable. Men will never, ever be faced with the true impact of the decision, so why women aren't proactive in avoiding it is beyond me. Maybe there's more truth to that whole "weaker sex" thing than I'd like to think.

Song of the day: "Goodbye Max!" - MK Ultra (as usual, John Vanderslice will always be my hero).

Today's "90210" was the infamous Color Me Bad(d?) episode. As with all terrible television programming (TBN, The British House of Commons, Korean Music Hour on IFC, etc.), I couldn't stop watching. It was a trainwreck. Actually, worse than that. It was a trainwreck into a nitroglycerine plant next to an orphanage of paraplegic children who'd just adopted puppies from the humane society. I wanted to close my eyes, but I couldn't. I was sitting all alone in my living room, smoking like a fiend, with my hands half covering my eyes, almost unable to keep watching when they started singing. How did these guys have any popularity at all? They looked like date rapists that hang out at plasma donation centers. And while I have certainly been guilty of liking bad music, I've never sunk that low. These guys make Andy Gibb look like Bob Dylan.

The Northwest Amnesty benefit concert is tomorrow night. Dare I say it won't be the same without us this year?

Song of the day: "The Wanderer" - Dion and the Motherf-ing Belmonts. Now that's music.

Ok...so I'm sickly addicted to reruns of "Beverly Hills 90210" - I watch them every morning on FX. This morning's episode was the struggle of big business vs. the working man, all wrapped up in one hour. "The world revolves around money? Say it ain't so! Especially in Beverly Hills!" Oh, it was great. There's something about a tv show being so far removed from the real world that makes it utterly enthralling. At least today the story line was more believable than the usual "teen morality" crap that's usually presented. I don't know about you, but my high school experience was nothing like that.

Song of the day: "House of Jealous Lovers" - The Rapture...get out on the floor and shake what your mama gave ya!

A Blustery Autumn Sunday Playlist

"D'You Know What I Mean" - Oasis ("...the sun and the sky never raised an eye to me...")

"Maybe I'll Catch Fire" - Alkaline Trio ("...maybe I'll catch fire...something warm to take hold of me...")

"Sarah" - Fleetwood Mac ("...drowning in a sea of love...where everyone would love to drown...")

"Teeth Like God's Shoeshine" - Modest Mouse ("...the malls are the soon-to-be ghost towns...")

"Suggestions" - System of a Down ("...if you own the lighthouse, then you own the working class...")

"I'm on Fire" - Tori Amos ("...sometimes I feel like you took a knife edgy and dull and cut a six inch valley through the middle of my soul...")

"50 Ways to Leave your Lover" - Paul Simon ("...the problem is all inside your head, she said to me...")

"My Old Flame" - John Vanderslice ("...our old house...oh, everything's changed...bleached out and aired, IKEA'd and swept bare...")

"As Days Go By" - Talking Heads ("...and you say to yourself...how did I get here?...)

"Enfilade" - At the Drive In ("...humor me with this request...in facelessness we'll hide...at leisure with our alibi's...")

"Bob Dylan's Dream" - Bob Dylan ("...ten thousand dollars...I'd give it all gladly at the drop of a hat if our lives could be like that...")

"Amsterdam" - Guster ("...I want to see your reaction, I want to see how it looks...")

"Treat Yourself with Kindness" - Clearlake ("...try your best to treat yourself with just a little bit of kindness...")

"Caring is Creepy" - The Shins ("...never betray the way you've always known it is...")

"The City" - Dismemberment Plan ("...I never had just whatever it is you want, baby...and I really tried, I tried with all my might...it made me crazy to try to figure out what it is I've done wrong...every time when everything I love, everything I hold dear heads out sometime...")

"Everyday is like Sunday" - Morrissey ("...how I didn't wish I was not here...")

How hip am I, eh?