Mac Tonnies...I know him!



For your reading pleasure, Mac's new work is now available where all fine books are sold. While it has been purchased, I haven't yet had time to read it, but I can say with full authority that the back cover is fascinating!

Song of the day: "Paperback Writer" - The Beatles.

I want to write this short story about this late twenty-something woman who has had a string of lame sexual partners and has all but given up on any glimmer of satisfying sex. She's tried it all...vibrators, lesbians, etc., but finally resigns herself to the fact that for her personally, sex is a routine self esteem booster for whoever she's with. She has the script and the blocking memorized...knows when to move and what to say to bring on the much anticipated finale and post-coital cigarette. She is sick of hearing "...sorry I finished so fast, but you're so tight you just get me there so soon...". Then one day she finds this guy who's a perfect mix of John Vanderslice and Jake Gyllenhaal and Paul Rudd (hey - it's my story, ok?), and through much sensitivity and patience and lust, he finds her G spot. Her life becomes one of those female sexual aid commercials. She no longer dreads sex, but actually inks it in to her schedule on a regular basis. The boyfriend, however, becomes insane with the power of his discovery. In typical male manifest destiny fashion, he wants to claim the lower interior wall of her vagina for himself. He want to plant a flag there, claiming it for his crown. He believes his "discovery" makes him the lord and master of that domain. They fight. She screams at him that he didn't discover anything, that it was there all along, he just marched his troops into the right place at the right time. She decides that all men, however misleading they may be, are at their most fundamental just power hungry dictators. I'm not sure how the story will end. Maybe she'll go postal. Maybe she'll be grateful and become a dutiful Suzy Homemaker. It's really hard to find a resolution.

Song of the day: "Glory Box" - Portishead.

Recent Observations...back at ya!

* About two years ago, I had some very serious gastro-intestinal problems that ranged from my mouth to my...well, I'm sure you can guess. After various scopes, medicines, treatments, allergic reactions, surgeries and polyp removals, I finally got better. Or so I thought. My problems have flared up again, with much gusto, and I've been a regular visitor to the Lawrence Memorial Hospital emergency room, Lawrence Family Physicians and Lawrence Internal Medicine as of late. I'm looking forward to an upper GI scope, colonoscopy and colon biopsy next Friday...all in the name of exploration and diagnosis. How are you celebrating our nation's birthday?

* So I hosted a "Revolution CHO" party this weekend. Said Cho special was premiering on the Sundance Channel, and it was horrible. She must be on drugs again. I was really disappointed. We all love Margaret so much, and she's let us down. Although the "...her pussy just fucking exploded..." part was pretty funny.

* Speaking of being let down, the new Cure album hits the pavement next week. I mean literally. From what I've heard of it, anyone who buys it will promptly toss it out the window after the first listen.

* Ok. I'm going to admit it. I actually like the new Morrissey album. Let's just keep that between us, ok?

* Have I mentioned that I am now the proud owner of "Woman and the New Race" by Margaret Sanger? I'll spare you the details, but I found a sixth edition print hiding in the basement of antique store on Mass. I scored it for $1.50, which is really a steal considering the Comstock laws had rendered it all but extinct.

* There's a saying that every working woman needs a wife. I'll have to agree with that.

* I'm so sick of turning on any news program and seeing doe-eyed Bill Clinton whining about his childhood and his $10 million book deal. I don't care about his life. His presidency was marginal at best. He's so '96.

* Have you been catching "The Daily Show" lately? John has been rather bold but cavalier in his interviewing styles. It's rather awkward at times.

Song of the day: "Fly" - Cornelius (who is brilliant).

Song of the day: There are none. Most of my cd collection has been trashed beyond playing ability. Oh, the sadness. Pity me!

Let me take this opportunity to announce the newest blog around town, The Unemployment Pages, written by the man who has a better music collection that I do -- Jason McCann. Read it and weep, kiddos!

Song of the day: "Can't Decide" - Orange 9mm.

Ch-ch-check it out...

* The new Beastie Boys is all that and a side of jalapeno chips.

* Raise your hand if you really hate Rummy now! (Yeah, I feel ya.)

* I am going to see "Troy" this weekend in a feeble attempt to get as many crotch glimpses of Brad Pitt as humanly possible.

* Need New Body is alternately immature yet brilliant. Just like you thought you were in junior high.

* My general practitioner actually encouraged me to NOT stop smoking. I rule.

* Do you ever feel your job would be great without administrators and managers? Me too.

* So this weekend Jason purchased the "Rust Never Sleeps" DVD (Neil "Kickass" Young and Crazy Horse)...and there's this weird stage prop that we just couldn't figure out. The best we could estimate was that it's a chicken in bondage gear. The 70's were rough on everyone.

* On the Issac Mizrahi show this morning, Issac interviewed the cast of "Law and Order". Evidently Jerry "Kickass" Orbach used to be a song and dance man. Now my concept of "Law and Order - The Musical" can really take form.

* I still haven't picked up my Vanderslice/Yankovic photos yet. Are you really surprised? This is me we're talking about. (They've already called twice to let me know they're ready. And I've been to the Walgreen's where they are like 15 times since then.)

* Man, the lineup for this year's Lollapalooza looks damn fine. I think we should all go (if we all weren't so old and decrepit - broken fingers, herniated disks, middle class flu, etc.).

* The new album by Trent "Kickass" Reznor sure looks great!

Song of the day: "Love Boat" - Jack Jones.

I would like to challenge anyone in this country to find any other person who has a roll of film that consists completely of pictures of Weird Al and John Vanderslice (not together, although that would be one hell of a show). I just don't think that happens very often.

I saw Weird Al last Wednesday night in Topeka. He gave a great performance worth every cent of the $37 ticket, despite certain personal tragedies as of late (his parents both dying of carbon monoxide poisoning). All of my favorites were sung, except "Living With a Hernia", which I guess would have been hard to do without a horn section. The best part were the video clips inbetween numbers. The whole audience would recite them in unison ("....yo, ding dong man, ding dong yo...").

I'd never quite seen a crowd like this before. Oh, I'd seen people like this separately at state fairs, buffet restaurants, Ren Fairs, and on shows about Trekkies, but not all together in one place. It was kind of scary, but funny.

Song of the day: "Angry White Boy Polka" - Weird Al.

So Jason and I trekked to Grinnell, Iowa, this weekend to see John Vanderslice again on this tour. Have you ever been to Iowa? I really hadn't before, and now I realize I've missed nothing. We did get a kick out of the regional gas stations, Kum And Go though. We actually contemplated buying one of their tee shirts which had the slogan "Kum And Go: We Go All Out", but we didn't know where we could wear it without giving people the wrong impression.

We arrived late on Friday night at Grinnell's Country Inn, and awoke the next morning to a lovely view of a farmer spraying a heroic dose of pesticides all over the field behind the hotel. It was about this time I noticed huge welts popping out on my arms and neck, which were made larger and more painful after bathing. This discomfort was further compounded by the fact that the water left a greasy residue that couldn't be rinsed off. It was pretty darn nappy, I must say.

Before the show on Saturday, we ventured out to see what the town was like. The campus was nice - very compact and orderly. And that was about it. There wasn't really much to be seen. I kind of felt bad for these kids...I could definitely relate after living (and dying) in Maryville for years. We spent a good amount of time wandering the campus looking for the show - finally some student took pity on us and led the way. The show ended up being in a downstairs lounge in a building I thought might have been The Union. Upon first glance I was nonplussed. It was super small, with ratty couches, no stage to speak of, etc., but it turned out to be way cooler than initially thought. There was actually a real coffee shop off of the lounge, you could smoke in there, and evidently Grinnell is a wet campus, because all these kids were casually walking in with 40's and bottles of JB. What kind of college experience is this? Not one I had, I say. And let me state for the record, the indie bug has bit something fierce around there. Gotta love that banana Republic "just rolled out of my IKEA bed" look...

The first two bands were local college bands. Oh dear. Dear, dear, dear. I think they heard John was playing last week, and decided to start a band for the hell of it. I know I'm old and snobbish and short on patience, but I don't know if I would have politely suffered through anything like that were John Vanderslice not the light at the end of the tunnel. I noticed he wisely left and went back to the hotel for both sets. And then it was time.

Jason and I were right up front. We were standing behind the "I'm Not Impressed By Anything" couple (who didn't move a tic the whole night), so I made sure I danced all in their space and sang like a banshee into their ears the whole time. I was totally being one of those fans...cheering and clapping and screaming out song titles the whole time, while balancing a cigarette and a camera. Evidently my persistence paid off; after whining about "Me and My 424" the whole set, John finally pointed at me and told me in a stern voice that they were going to play it in a minute. Good thing, too. It was the highlight of the show. Although most of the crowd was so young I could have been their babysitter from birth, they were die hard...singing and dancing (very unlike the Lawrence crowd) in a very supportive manner. It was super fun - I think the audience can make all the difference. And there was this girl - oh man. She had on this shirt that said "If your name is John Vanderslice I will have sex with you tonight". She cornered him after the show. He was so mortified. I heard snipets of a lecture he was giving her that went something like "you don't have to do this...just buy a record...". He spent the rest of the night running away from her, so she started on the rest of the band who seemed a bit repulsed about an 18 year old girl inviting them back to her dorm room. While they are rock stars...they aren't that kind of rock stars. She probably just went back to her room, got drunk, and bonded with her vibrator.

We waited patiently while all the kids swamped John. Being that he's of a gracious upbringing, he talked with everyone who wanted to (and even those who didn't). When our turn came around, he was so excited that we'd driven from Lawrence, I thought he was going to offer to pay for our rental car. He was signing things for us right and left, pumping our hands madly, hopping around like a kid with ADHD and thanking us profusely. I think that if I'd told him how much we really love him around this house he might have had an aneurysm. It's nice that he's like that. I hate that whole jaded indie scene.

So that's about it. It was a lot of fun. Now I just have to see him in his hometown to be complete. Pictures from the show will appear on here when I get around to using the rest of roll of the film.

Song of the day: "Coming and Going on Easy Terms" - John Vanderslice (or should it be "Kumming And Going on Easy Terms"?).

Well, now. I think I would have paid some good money to see this one.

"No passion for Easter Bunny at church show"

The Associated Press
Updated: 9:37 a.m. ET April 08, 2004

GLASSPORT, Pa. - First, the Passion of the Christ. Now, the torment of the Easter Bunny?

It may not have been as gruesome as Mel Gibson’s movie, but many parents and children got upset when a church trying to teach about Jesus’ crucifixion performed an Easter show with actors whipping the Easter bunny and breaking eggs.

People who attended Saturday’s show at Glassport’s memorial stadium quoted performers as saying, “There is no Easter bunny,” and described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified.

Melissa Salzmann, who brought her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate for young children. “He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped,” Salzmann said.

Patty Bickerton, the youth minister at Glassport Assembly of God, said the performance wasn’t meant to be offensive. Bickerton portrayed the Easter rabbit and said she tried to act with a tone of irreverence.

“The program was for all ages, not just the kids. We wanted to convey that Easter is not just about the Easter bunny, it is about Jesus Christ,” Bickerton said.

Performers broke eggs meant for an Easter egg hunt and also portrayed a drunken man and a self-mutilating woman, said Jennifer Norelli-Burke, another parent who saw the show in Glassport, a community about 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh.

“It was very disturbing,” Norelli-Burke said. “I could not believe what I saw. It wasn’t anything I was expecting.”

Song of the day: "Bring the Noise" - Public Enemy and Anthrax.

Now here's a tip: Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit is a lot of fun. As with all Trivial Pursuit games, it can get quite competitive. Thirty minutes into a game people are calling each other "loser" and such. Good times, kids...good times.

I'm back at work. No one seems to understand that I've been gone for a week. This would be the reason why I can't tell anyone what's been going on. If I am asked another question that pertains to said week, I'm just going to start screaming. It's not a hard concept. Everyone knew I was gone. There was a mass email sent out to the entire corporation. I didn't take phone calls or pages. I didn't show up to any meetings or any of my regularly scheduled shifts. We had to draft underage workers from Bangladesh to fill shifts. Even with all of this, people still don't get it. Why am I surprised?

Song of the day: "Army of Me" - Bjork.

I'm on vacation this week. This is the first vacation I've had since I started this job in July. Oh, it's great. What am I doing on this break? Traveling somewhere? No. Having my quarterly clothes shopping spree? No. Writing The Great American Novel? No. I'm doing...

N O T H I N G.

So far I've managed to rent some movies, clean the house, eat chocolate cake, make some mix CD's, listen to a copious amount of Primus and sleep a lot. The pager is off, the door is locked, and I haven't had to fill out a single report or adhere to a schedule of any kind. It's been divine. At the rate I'm going I may have some energy to celebrate this weekend before the fun is all over.

Song of the day: "Today Was a Good Day" - Ice Cube.

Celebrity sighting! Well, kinda. I saw The Reverend Horton Heat at Recycled Sounds last weekend. He was hogging the new arrivals bin. I think he and his entourage picked up on the fact that I recognized him (I cleverly told Jason while holding an LP over our faces), and from that point on they kept looking at us expectantly as if we were going to rush him for an autograph or something. I saw him ten years ago. He was ok. I'm not really into that whole rockabilly thing.

I also went to see an exhibit of John Lennon's drawings and hand written lyrics this weekend. Most of them were for sale, and I really wished I had a wad of cash to blow. I've never really been into collecting things, but you have to admit having the lyrics to "Nowhere Man" penned by the man himself would be pretty damn cool. Anyone who has about $700 to donate to this cause can email me.

Song of the day: "Angry White Boy Polka" - Weird Al.

Recent Observations - 99% Accuracy 100% of The Time!

* Have you noticed that no employees at Lens Crafters wear glasses? Is that not strange?

* The world was is quite a bit of disarray this weekend - Red Square was burning, any country you can name that starts with the letter "I" was riddled with suicide bombings, Libya was accusing other countries of having leaked nuclear information, etc. What was on CNN? A report (that I saw 3 times in one hour) about some robot race in California that none of the robots won. Oh, and another report countering the health benefits of soy (I guess although it will help with menopausal hot flashes, it will also increase your propensity for breast cancer). Remember when CNN would have exhaustive coverage of any international SNAFU? Granted, it got a little overwhelming, but at least the viewers were up to speed with information.

* The French swear they've almost captured Osama bin Laden several times. "But I am le tired!"

* I love John Vanderslice so much I have to see him one more time on tour. The last show before San Fran is in Grinnel, Iowa in April. I will be making the pilgrimage. Oh, happy day!

* This one may apply to Lee's Summit High School graduates only, but do you ever really stop to think about how crazy your high school experience was? I spend a lot of time posturing about how when I was a kid we were never as crazy as kids are today (I have sisters in high school - you would not believe some of the stuff that goes on these days), but when I actually stop and think about it, it was pretty bad. Twisted, even.



* Tabla Rasa will be performing at Saturday's march in Kansas City. All former Bearcats in the area should go and support those nice young men.

* Do you need a quick pick-me-up, but your favorite addiction isn't readily available? Try listening to "Float On" by Modest Mouse. That song cheers me up even after I've watched "The 700 Club".

Song of the day: "Joyless, Joyless" - Minus Story

Oh, John Vanderslice was great. Okkervil River played too long and they were weird to boot. Minus Story, a Larry Town band, was surprisingly talented. The crowd was small and relatively well behaved. Now would be a good time to review Observations of Indie Rock Shows, a handy reference guide provided by yours truly.

One point: John Vanderslice is so polite. I was there for sound check (you think I'd miss a chance to see him in the raw?), and he thanked the sound engineers profusely. That's rare. He's very gracious and thoughtful. I'm sure he has his moments, but all in all, a fine gentleman. And he brings The Rock. Oh yeah. It was definitely worth staying up until 2 am.

Song of the day: "Pale Horse" - John Vanderslice.

"Nature is a language...can't you read?"

Today it is rainy and cold...The Smith's Listening Weather as I like to call it. Radiohead, Sigur Ros and The Cure also fit nicely. So queue your CD player, put on a cardigan, smoke a cigarette and look wistfully out the window thinking of days gone by. Scribble furtively in a journal if you want to take it that far. Quote James Joyce. Be pretentious. It's Wednesday, after all...

Song of the day: "Half a Person" - The Smiths.

I saw Mel Gibson's "The Passion of Christ" this weekend. I was hesitant to see it; "Jesus of Nazareth" and the like usually put me into hysterical sobbing jags which are difficult to recover from. I'm not an overtly religious person, but it's moving none the less. Not really the case with this one. I found it arrogant, the accuracy (according to The Gospels) was questionable, and unnecessarily violent. I realize the crucifixion is a gory subject, but the way it was presented was unbelievable. Christ may have been divine, but his body was earthly, and the unending flogging and such that transposed in this interpretation is medically impossible to survive. If the goal was to win over souls, it's not going to happen. The movie dropped you right into Gesthemane, with little background or explanation from that point forward. Were you not familiar with the biblical accounts, you'd have no idea what was happening. Gibson took large dramatic license with many of the events portrayed, and the resurrection was rather like any death scene from the "Star Wars" saga mixed with "Terminator". So yeah, not impressed.

This week our Internet Explorer crapped out on us. After much weeping and gnashing of teeth, we realized we didn't need to chuck our computer over a cliff - we could just use the MSN web browser. And then the sucking began. I guess it's better than nothing, or better than getting a new CPU, or better than trying to locate the Internet Explorer program disk (which is probably in a landfill in Maryville, Missouri, unfortunately), but it's pretty lame. There are very few practical features, and I'm sick of looking at that damn butterfly all the time. Please join me in a rousing rendition of John Vanderslice's "Bill Gates Must Die".

British Sea Power will be at The Bottleneck next week. I have to work. I am not happy about this. However, John Vanderslice will be there on the 8th, and I am taking two days off from work to properly enjoy the show. John and I will rock like there's no upcoming election that will determine the state of the free world.

Speaking of elections, this whole gay marriage thing is really heating up, eh? I've never given California much credit; these are the people who brought you Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and Blink 182, but this is rather an important leap into civilized society.

We're finally hooking up with good friends Brian and Steven tonight - for the first time in almost a year. Much celebrating and eating of Italian food will ensue. A good time will be had by all.

Song of the day: "The World In My Eyes" - The Cure (covering Depeche Mode)

Here are some points I've been meaning to make recently:

* Have you heard "Basketball Jones" by Cheech and Chong? Yeah. That's what Jack "Crap Stripes" White sounds like.

* Reservations for dinner on Valentine's Day are always a good idea. I will remember this for future celebrating.

* Being a responsible adult with a house has it's downfalls. Like when you open all the windows to air out the bleach smell after you clean like a banshee, and somehow the wind blows out the pilot light and you have no hot water. No hot water = no showers. Oh, the humanity.

* "Frozen fog" is a new meteorological term. What does that mean? Like if you walk outside you'll be frozen in one position due to the fog enveloping your entire body? I'm not buying it.

* Man, Sepultura kicked some major ass back in the day. You should start listening to them again.

* You see, I have a fetish for bad, bad music. So, in the interest of public disclosure, I have these Mp3's on my computer:

- "Prince Ali" from Aladdin

- "Stigmata Martyr" - Bauhaus

- a lot of Bon Jovi

- "One Night In Bangkok" - Chess

- "Disco Duck" - Rick Dees

- "Gimme That Nut" - Eazy E

- "In the Ghetto" - Elvis Presley

- "The Final Countdown" - Europe

- "Old Man River" - Frank Sinatra

- "Army of Me" - Helmet

- "Big Pimpin' (unplugged, even)" - Jay Z

- "Turbo Lover" - Judas Priest

- "Pass the Dutchie" - Musical Youth

- "She's Like the Wind" - Patrick Swayze (I did not download that, seriously.)

- "Faded" - Soul Decision

- "Orbital B-Bop" - Q-Feel

- "Winds of Change" - The Scorpions

- "Bang a Gong" - T Rex

- "Love Song" - Tesla

- "Courtesy of the Red White and Blue" - Toby Keith

- "If You Could Only See" - Tonic

- "Africa" - Toto

- "Right Now" - Van Halen

- "Too Cold" - Vanilla Ice and Korn

- "Miami" - Will Smith

* It's the fucking weekend. Amen to that.

Song of the day: "Gimme Danger" - The Stooges

Go see "Monster". It's really good.

Song of the day: "Warrior" - Public Image Limited.